I'm a kind of person that always do something with a plan, a bunch of back-up plans, but a low self-esteem; not to say it in a bad way. I may have a lack of confidence in doing something, but that's only to make me more aware of threats around. How I used the term "low self-esteem" before is just a proof of my low self-esteem. Now to make it sounds more appealing, let's just say I'm a perfectionist, and an idealist. Maybe not a pure one, but there's no such thing as a pure idealist either, so.
One of my idealism is not to tell people to do what I'm not doing. Put it in a simple phrase: I don't want to be a hypocrite. This, my mate, is the roots of all the master plan, the back-up plans and the low self-esteem.
I'm not into taking chances, I'm not into surprises. I have a big obsession to always be in control; of myself and of everything I'm doing. A bit distortion on my envisioned path would make me turn from a lion into a rabbit. Fortunately, with a bunch of back-up plans, that kind of occasion is a mere hundred to one. And even when I am a rabbit, I won't be asking for mercy and forgiveness like a rabbit. I believe in my friends, but I won't sound so helpless I'll make them feel sorry. I'll stand tall and roar once again. Always have, always will.
An example. I won't be seen teaching a subject to other people until I'm at least 100% sure about what I'm talking about. I don't want to be caught doing wrong or not in control - a perfectionist, as you can see. Sounds egoistic? Non, Madame et Monsieur. This is a better way to put it: you'll never see me teaching you; we'll always be discussing things as an equal.
I'm not a chap who goes around thinking he's the almighty one. I'm proud, but I always try to assure myself that I'm not out of line. If, once or twice, you've seen me being a prick, scold, kick, slap, punch me in the face. That, is my idealism.
That's me. This is my problem.
Two of my colleagues, Fajar Mahdi and Adinda Khairina (click on their names to vote) is rolling for La Joie de Montréal, an international summer school contest. Wow. Good God. What a courage, I'll say. In my deepest heart, I kind of want to try for it too.
Studying abroad means using English as your primary language. Wow. Good God. I'm not saying that I'm not fluent in English, that would be a self-discrimination. And saying so will also make me an ungrateful being, for my parents have been letting me learning it since a little boy that I was. All I could say is that I don't think I'm fluent. A state of mind. Being a perfectionist and an idealist sure makes me have a low self-esteem.
For me, fluent means no mistakes. Not literally of course, since time can't be undone. Just, no flaws. In order to do and test my capability, I'll have to live that. Means I should use English more. Here comes my other idealism.
All this time I've been preserving the usage of my native language, Indonesia. Is it worth it?
Should I set aside that love of Indonesia language? I'm not an extremist that restrict the use of non-Indonesia languages. I love English, even though I never read a single literature like Moby Dick. I love French, even though I don't know a thing about it. But maybe I just love Indonesia more. I thought that maybe if I use it more - with my KBBI modified style a.k.a. Volgorian Cabalsette style - I'll help it to grow, or at least survive, for I don't want it to extinct.
You may say this cynically after reading my problem: "Oh come on, don't make it a big deal."
It is a big deal. I don't want to be a hypocrite. Setting aside that idealism means that I should not going around telling people to love Indonesia language more. Not like a half-hearted environmentalist that's angry about mother nature's health while using air conditioner all day long, or those politicians who talk about society welfare but creeping behind the stone wall stealing people's money.
I am a perfectionist. That is my idealism. Now that makes me have a low self-esteem.
Cheers, mate. :)